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I’d like to think that by age 41, and having landed a few jobs in my life, that I am qualified. I am qualified to provide my opinion, speak up when I don’t agree, and be strong in my convictions. However, for a number of social and learned reasons, I am still a tad bit afraid to be considered a ‘bitch’.

I mentioned this to a friend recently, and she was surprised I felt this way. This really made me question what I truly consider assertiveness. Being assertive has been on my list of career development goals for the last 6+ months.

The definition of assertive is having or showing a confident, forceful personality. The forceful is what gets me. Diving into the thesaurus next, forceful is a synonym of decisive, dominant, firm, self-assured, and bold. I’ve been told by multiple people that I am bold. While I usually take this as a compliment, for whatever reason, I struggle to be assertive in the workplace.

Maybe it is my lack of confidence in this new role? I’ve been here for 1-year and am learning something new everyday. When I started, I was certainly less confident than I am now, but do I know the things I’m asked like the back of my hand yet? No.

Maybe it is the global team with umpteen different personalities? I am constantly pulling in my emotional intelligence to decipher how people tick and what works best for getting the answers I want from them. It’s quite an endless puzzle, further testing my confidence.

Digging deeper, I feel like assertive can sometimes come off as aggressive – thankfully I can only pinpoint a few instances where I felt that I acted more aggressive than necessary in a professional setting – but most of those instances, I was being pushed to my limit. For example, at my last job, I was hired to do one thing and being told there was no work as they outsourced the job completely. I put my foot down at one point and got quite aggressive with my boss, sighing loudly over the phone and then letting him know how unhappy I was. I’ve since left this job – surprise surprise – but it wasn’t my best assertive moment. I admit, I was probably acting a little bitchy.

Assertiveness does not contain aggression. It is confidence in your words and actions. It is putting an end to discussions that are not pointed or are leaning into emotional territory. It is providing a decision and then acting on that decision successfully. It is admitting when you’re wrong and working extra hard to make things right.

I’ve sat in several meetings recently where I felt my buttons being pushed. While I definitely need to hit ‘mute’ so I can breathe, if I know the agreed upon procedure or strategy, I need to speak up. I’m getting better with each challenging call, but more importantly, I can deliver. At the end of the day, being assertive verbally is only as good as the work you actually accomplish. And if someone thinks of you as a bitch for accomplishing so much, let them.